10.22.08

SHOW PREP OCTOBER 22, 2008

HOLLYWOOD 411 . . .

X-Files star Gillian Anderson and boyfriend Mark Griffiths are parents of a baby boy, the actress’s rep tells PEOPLE exclusively. Felix Griffiths, weighing 6 lbs., 15 oz., was born Oct. 15 in London, says rep Kelly Bush. Felix is the second child for Anderson, 40, with Griffiths, joining their 1-year-old son Oscar. Anderson also has a 13-year-old daughter, Piper, from a previous marriage. (People)

Singer Nelly Furtado has admitted she secretly married her boyfriend earlier this year. Nelly Furtado has confessed during an interview on Canadian TV that she married her boyfriend in secret in July. “I love it. I’m happy, I’m excited about the future.” Nelly told Entertainment Tonight Canada of her marriage to sound engineer Demacio Castellon, whom she met while making her 2006 album Loose. “I just feel kind of free and relaxed and more in tune with trying not to be so stressed out.” Nelly has a four-year-old daughter, Nevis, from a previous relationship. (Handbag)

Actress Mary-Kate Olsen was involved in a minor car accident on Monday while out shopping with a female friend in Los Angeles. The former child star was leaving the Open Door furniture store when her unnamed pal accidentally reversed her Toyota Prius car into the back of another vehicle. The woman exchanged details with the other driver, an employee of the nearby El Pollo Loco store, while Olsen waited in the front passenger seat. No one was hurt in the incident. (Teen Hollywood)

Jessica Simpson took inspiration for her new perfume advertisement from style icon Brigitte Bardot because she wanted to emulate her “classic beauty.” The singer is launching her latest fragrance, Fancy, and insisted on keeping herself covered up for the promotional campaign so the focus remains on the new scent. She tells Entertainment Tonight, “I never wanted it to be too risqué or anything like that. “I keep myself covered up for the most part because honestly it is about fragrance – that’s what I want people to see when they see the ad. I wanted to go for a Brigitte Bardot type of look and she is one of my favorite all time classic beauties.” But Simpson has laughed off any talk of launching a ‘his and hers’ range with her American footballer boyfriend Tony Romo – although she admits she likes to get his opinion when she’s making her perfumes. She says, “That’s so not Tony. He’s a football player. It’s about showering, getting out of the locker room and coming home. But I do have him smell certain things and thankfully he always thinks I smell good. I hope!” (Teen Hollywood)

Oscar winner Halle Berry has insisted sex is better as you get older. Halle Berry, recently voted the sexiest woman in the world – at the age of 42, has said her sex life has improved as she’s aged. “You know that stuff they say about a woman being responsible for her own orgasms? That’s all true, and, in my case, that makes me responsible for pretty damn good orgasms,” the former Bond Girl told Esquire magazine. “They’re much better orgasms than when I was 22, and I wouldn’t let a man control that. Not any more. Now, I’d invite them to participate. I’ve learned my tricks. I know what I like. I do not wait around. I initiate. And I’m not all about frequency – I favor intensity. Men in their 20s? Forget it,” she added. (Handbag)

Gwyneth Paltrow is helping her friend Madonna through breakup of her marriage. The actress told reporters that she’s supporting the pop star following Wednesday’s announcement that she’s separated from filmmaker-husband Guy Ritchie. “She’s a very good friend. I’m supporting her in all the ways that I can. I’m just there for her. I speak to her a lot,” Paltrow said as she attended the premiere of her film “Two Lovers” at London’s Film Festival. Like Madonna, Paltrow – who’s married to Coldplay singer Chris Martin – lives partly in London. Madonna and Ritchie, who were married at a Scottish castle in December 2000, have two children: Rocco, 8, and David Banda, 3, who was adopted in Malawi in 2006. Madonna also has a 12-year-old daughter, Lourdes, from a previous relationship. Madonna’s publicist said Sunday that details of a divorce settlement are yet to be finalized, dismissing reports that the couple had agreed to a custody arrangement for the couple’s children. The couple own homes in London, Los Angeles and New York, and a 1,200-acre retreat in Wiltshire, England. (Daily Record)

Madonna‘s son Rocco is showing his support for Alex Rodriguez. The 8-year-old was photographed wearing a navy New York Yankees T-shirt during an outing Monday at NYC’s Chelsea Piers. Don’t expect Madonna and Alex Rodriguez to flaunt their affections just yet, though. Although a source tells Us, “A-Rod and Madonna are more involved than ever,” a second insider says the singer — who announced her divorce from Guy Ritchie last week — “has agreed to be discreet” about their relationship. They shared a low-key dinner Oct. 2 at Dos Caminos in NYC — and now, New York’s Daily News reports, he may be moving near her in the Big Apple. The ballplayer is eyeing apartments at a Central Park West building to be closer to Madonna’s triplex. The two — who met in the fall of 2007 through shared manager Guy Oseary — first underwent scrutiny last July when Us Weekly broke the news that the then-married Rodriguez had paid several late-night visits to her apartment and that the singer had turned him on to the teachings of kabbalah. Madonna has insisted they’re just friends, but Rodriguez’s wife Cynthia soon filed for divorce, with her attorney claiming that Alex’s “affair of the heart” with the singer played a factor. (Page Six)

Eva Longoria has had enough of the weight gain claims, and is fighting back not just with words, but with a so-not-fat photo shoot in Allure. In the November issue of Allure, Longoria poses in a bathing suit in some photos, and shorts in others to prove to the weight police that she’s still in great shape. She even answers claims of her weight gain directly, saying that she’s still a size zero. (Popeater)

Yesterday was a good day for Baron Davis — not only did the Clipper learn he won’t need surgery for his torn finger ligament, he also went home from a party with Kate Hudson! This just in — Kate and Baron are friends from back in the day. The two went to the same super-fancy, super-expensive private high school together in Santa Monica. (TMZ)

Weeks before her hubby David Duchovny checked into sex addiction rehab and two months before revealing they were already separated, Téa Leoni enjoyed some VIP treatment from rumored boyfriend Billy Bob Thornton. On August 4th, Téa was on hand for Billy Bob’s 53rd birthday (left) to watch him record a song at Sun Studios in Memphis. Two weeks later, the 42-year-old mother of two enjoyed a beer and a cig (right) at Billy’s show with his band, The Boxmasters, in NYC. Looks like Billy Bob still has a lot in common with his ex-wife Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt — he met Téa while working on a movie too. If John Mayer doesn’t work out, maybe Aniston can date Duchovny. (TMZ)

Bogus tabloid stories about Zac Efron’s personal hygiene problems landed the pin-up in trouble with his dad. Earlier this year a source claimed Efron was unpopular on the set of High School Musical 3: Senior Year because he didn’t shower after working out in the gym, leaving him sweaty and stinky. The 21-year-old heartthrob insists the rumors aren’t true, but he was still reprimanded over the phone by his father. Efron tells Moviefone.com, “I assure you I showered this morning. Minutes before I got here. And I do it every day. Sometimes twice. So, that’s kind of funny. But my dad was kind of razzing me for it.” (Teen Hollywood)

Elizabeth Taylor, 76, doesn’t get out much these days. But when she does leave home, she goes to the Abbey, West Hollywood’s top gay bar. The wheelchair-bound screen legend, who favors tequila shots and apple martinis, has presented the bar with a large, gold-framed portrait of herself painted in her heyday, reports Santa Barbara News-Press gossip Richard Mineards. The artwork hangs near the deejay booth, along with a brass plaque underneath. “It has become quite a shrine,” says one habitué. “Everyone here loves her. She speaks to everybody.” (Page Six)

High School Musical star Ashley Tisdale once worked scraping gum from a shop floor because her parents wanted to teach her to be responsible. The actress claims her parents encouraged her to work in a store to help her learn the value of money. She says, “Retail is horrible. I worked at four different stores. My parents wanted me to learn the value of a dollar, even though I’ve been in showbusiness since I was three. I chose the stores I liked to shop at so I could get the staff discounts. “One of my managers hated me and would make me do the lamest jobs such as pick gum off the floor that had been there for five years. There’d be no way I could get it up. It taught me a lot of life lessons. I was shy and it taught me how to sell.” (Teen Hollywood)

Madonna‘s friends and business associates have HAD ENOUGH with Guy Ritchie and his camp spreading lies and misinformation about the Queen of Pop….and they’re finally speaking out. PerezHilton.com just spoke exclusively to numerous people VERY close to Madonna. What you are about to read is the truth. Insiders tell us….When Guy Ritchie was first introduced to Madonna, by Sting & Trudie Styler, he had a very rich girlfriend by the name of Rebecca Green. Guy had a reputation of being a golddigger and he definitely lived up to that when he dumped his girlfriend of four years, Rebecca, for the much much richer Madonna. “For his entire marriage to M, Guy lived like a king,” one of our many close Madonna sources tell us. “He never spent a dime of his own money for their lifestyle or the children.” He never spent any money, even though he did have some money of his own. It’s not as if he was a personal trainer. What a royal douche! In fact, sources tell us, Guy insisted that Madonna purchase a 1,200 hundred acre estate for him, fund million dollar holidays and fly him around on private jets to accommodate his fear of flying. “Madonna finally got fed up with him never being around and being used and filed for a divorce,” an impeccable source tells us. “Guy has threatened to go after half of M’s hard-earned money, claiming that the law is on his side. He doesn’t care that the world thinks of him as Heather Mills. He doesn’t care that he has his own money and doesn’t need her. He feels he is entitled to half of her empire.” Madonna’s friends and associate tell us, “She is devastated.” Guy continues to live in the London house Madonna bought, ordering the staff around while she is on tour and pretending that he is the good, simple, family man only interested in his children and the countryside. “Guy Ritchie is a fake and a phoney,” says one of Madonna’s confidants, clearly hurt by the way Ritchie has treater her. “He is not a macho man. Not an English lad. Not a gentleman. Not spiritual. He’s just a money-hungry gold digger that doesn’t want to earn his way.” All of the above is true and an understatement to say the least. (Perez Hilton)

Moving on from jailed ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri, Anne Hathaway told PEOPLE she is crushing on a new mystery man. “This guy I know in L.A. is kind of doing it for me right now,” the actress told PEOPLE at the London premiere for her newest movie, Rachel Getting Married. “When I think of sexy, I think of him.” “You know when sometimes you don’t know someone very well – you’ll probably never see them again – but you just meet them and you’re like ‘WOW, you really have it going on’?” But the actress cautions that things haven’t gotten serious yet. “I’m totally single right now,” says Hathaway, who wore a blue Zac Posen gown and Bulgari jewels to the premiere. “But I happened to meet a sexy guy the other day.” Hathaway’s due to spend time with another sexy guy – Johnny Depp – as filming starts for Tim Burton’s upcoming film, Alice in Wonderland, in which she plays the role of the White Queen. Is she excited to work with Depp? “Uh, yeah, ya think?” Hathaway, 25, told PEOPLE. “I hope I don’t faint. I’m wearing a corset which is difficult enough, but then to have to wear a corset and be short-breathed around Johnny Depp?” And her friends are buzzing with excitement at her upcoming costar. “I have so many people coming out of the woodwork who really have never wanted to visit me on the set before just want to kind of come and hang out,” she says. “Everyone just wants to meet Johnny. “It might be my hardest role to date – to keep my cool.” Meanwhile, Hathaway’s ex Follieri, who pleaded guilty last month to wire fraud, money laundering and conspiracy, is preparing for his Oct. 23 sentencing. Prosecutors said Monday, the Associated Press reports, that they urged the judge not to show leniency after learning that Follieri sent the judge a photo of himself and the pope in hopes of reducing his prison sentence. Follieri agreed to four-plus years in prison during his guilty plea but last week his lawyers requested a three-year sentence instead. (People)

Moviemaker Rowan Woods has denied branding child star Dakota Fanning difficult to work with – insisting the rumors are not true. Woods directed the 14-year-old star in new film Winged Creatures and was recently reported to have called her a “disaster” onset over her diva-like behavior. But Woods is adamant that he never made the comments and has praised the teenager for her professionalism. In a statement to Defamer.com, Woods writes, “I am very upset and disappointed on behalf of Dakota that such untruths have spun around the internet in regards to Dakota and Winged Creatures and that those opinions be attributed to me. They are not my opinions. “Dakota Fanning is an incredible actor and a wonderful person. I am proud to be associated with Dakota’s amazing performance.” (Teen Hollywood)

Socialite Paris Hilton loves life in London so much she is considering a permanent move to the British capital. The hotel heiress is currently in the U.K. filming her new reality show Paris Hilton’s British Best Friend and has been renting a house in London’s fashionable Hampstead area. And now Hilton has admitted that she is keen to move to the city full-time. She tells British newspaper The London Paper, “I love it here, I am going to move here permanently. I have already been here for one month and am much, much happier here.” (Teen Hollywood)

A popular local TV anchorwoman who had a small part in the Bush biopic “W” was in critical condition Monday after being beaten in her home. Police questioned whether she could have been targeted. KATV anchor Anne Pressly, 26, was found about 4:30 a.m. Monday – a half-hour before she was due to appear on the station’s “Daybreak” program. Pressly’s mother went to the anchorwoman’s house when she didn’t answer a wake-up call, Little Rock police spokeswoman Cassandra Davis said. Davis said investigators are talking to Pressly’s co-workers to determine whether she “has had any problems.” Davis said Pressly’s purse was gone and that robbery was among the possible motives being explored. Davis would not discuss specifics of what the investigation revealed. In a statement, KATV president and general manager Dale Nicholson said the anchor “is a person who simply lights up the room, by just walking in. “The KATV family is having to deal with a personal crisis in our lives with the senseless brutality last night to one of our Daybreak anchors, Anne Pressly,” Nicholson said. “I know her viewers will join her family as well as the KATV family in praying for a speedy recovery for Anne, who means so much to all of our staff.” Pressly was found unresponsive in her bed and a police report said she was bleeding from her head. Davis said Pressly was in critical condition at an hospital. Davis said Pressly was stabbed, but KATV cited investigators later in reporting that all of her injuries were from being beaten in the head and upper body. Pressly appeared briefly in Oliver Stone’s new movie about President Bush that opened over the weekend. She portrays a conservative commentator who speaks favorably of President Bush’s “Mission Accomplished” event on an aircraft carrier shortly after the start of the Iraq war. She won the role after being noticed by the casting director when she went to Shreveport, La., where the movie was filmed, to work on a story about it and the city’s film industry. Spokeswoman Kate Hubin for the film company Lionsgate confirmed Pressly’s role but declined to comment further. KATV’s Web site notes that Pressly’s most notable interview was with Vice President Dick Cheney. Traveling through an Arkansas town, she found the highway blocked in front of a hunting goods store because Cheney was inside. Pressly asked for an interview, which she conducted on the ammunition aisle. Early Monday afternoon, a man answering a phone number for Pressly’s mother, Patricia Cannady, said the family had no comment. (Daily Record)

Skylar Deleon, a former child actor on TV’s Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers, was convicted in an Orange County, Calif., courtroom Monday of three counts of first-degree murder, including the deaths of a couple he tied to an anchor and threw off their yacht. Deleon, 29, was convicted of killing Prescott, Ariz., couple Tom Hawks, 57, and his wife Jackie, 47, who were last seen on Nov. 15, 2004, after departing on a test run to sell their 55-ft. yacht, the “Well Deserved.” He is also charged with slitting the throat of – and scamming $50,000 from – John Jarvi, 45, of Anaheim, Calif., whose body was left near a roadway in Ensenada, Mexico, on Dec. 27, 2003. Ryan Hawks, Tom Hawks’s son, called the verdict a “warm up” for the penalty phase, which is scheduled to begin Wednesday, the Associated Press reports. “It felt like a little tiny piece of the puzzle was put in justice,” said Hawks. Deleon’s attorney, Gary Pohlson, conceded at the start of the trial, “Skylar is guilty of all three murders, [but] at the end of this, I’m going to ask you to give him life without the possibility of parole as the appropriate sentence.” ‘Horrible, Horrible Life’ Explaining the call for leniency, Pohlson told reporters Monday, “He’s had a horrible, horrible life” and that Deleon’s father abused the boy and later died of AIDS. Pohlson also argued in court that his client was not the mastermind of the killings. In the murder of the Hawkses, prosecutors said Deleon pretended to be interested in purchasing the vessel, took a test cruise on which he and two other men overpowered the couple, forced them to sign over the boat’s ownership and then disposed of the couple in the Pacific. The Hawkses’ bodies were never recovered. (People)

THE OTHER STUFF . . .

Actress Scarlett Johansson will co-host the 2008 Nobel Peace Concert on Dec. 11 in honor of this year’s laureate, Finnish peace mediator and former President Martti Ahtisaari, organizers said Monday. The other co-host will be announced in coming weeks, said a statement given to The Associated Press ahead of its official release. Last year’s show was hosted by Uma Thurman and Kevin Spacey. “We’re extremely pleased Ms. Johansson will join us for the Nobel Peace Prize Concert,” said the Norwegian Nobel Committee’s non-voting secretary Geir Lundestad. “Her compassion and influence will help us tremendously in our mission of spreading the global message of peace.” Lundestad says the concert, televised in up to 100 countries, is the most popular event on the Nobel calendar. Johansson, 23, will host a program headlined by Diana Ross. It includes Canadian singer Leslie Feist, who performs under the name Feist, American country singer Dierks Bentley, Mexican singer-songwriter Julieta Venegas, and Nigerian star Seun Kuti, according to a list released last week. Johansson rose to stardom through her role in the 1998 film “The Horse Whisperer” and won the British Academy of Film and Television Arts best actress award for her role opposite Bill Murray in the 2003 film “Lost in Translation.” The Nobel concert is held a day after the Dec. 10 Nobel peace awards ceremony. Ahtisaari won the prize for his peace efforts on several continents over several decades. (Daily Record)

Guess who’s back? Shady’s back. So is Eminem, and Marshall Mathers, too. Whatever you might call him, the man recently named the “best rapper alive” by a poll of Vibe magazine readers has returned in a major way. The 36-year-old superstar’s re-emergence comes four years after his last studio album, three years after he was treated for a sleep medication dependency and two years since the violent death of his best friend and the collapse of a second marriage to his childhood sweetheart. His new track, “I’m Having a Relapse,” has caused a stir on the Web and is fueling talk of a new record and maybe even a tour. But before Eminem moves forward musically, he first is taking a step back with a memoir out Tuesday that shares quite a few revelations about a man whose autobiographical lyrics have tantalized fans for years. In “The Way I Am,” the man born Marshall Bruce Mathers III takes readers into his painful childhood and adolescence and inside the studio and beyond as the former Detroit factory floor sweeper and short-order cook enters the rap game and becomes a worldwide hip-hop sensation. The book is 200-plus pages worth of text, behind-the-scenes photographs and reproductions of Eminem’s original lyric sheets – hotel stationery and other scraps of paper he used to scratch out partial verses of the songs that would make him famous: From “My Name Is” and “Stan” to “Lose Yourself” and “Without Me.” Eminem may not love being in the public eye, but he loves music, and that’s drawn him out, said publisher Brian Tart, president of Dutton Books, an imprint of the Penguin Group (USA) Inc. “I think he doesn’t like being famous, but he sure likes being an artist,” Tart said. “Getting away from the trappings of fame was something he needed to do. But in his bones and his blood, he’s an artist.” The book kicks off with a prologue that provides one of the reasons Eminem has shunned the spotlight for the past few years. He describes in-depth just how difficult it has been for him to come to grips with the loss of his longtime best friend and fellow rapper Proof (Deshaun Holton), who was gunned down at a Detroit after-hours club in April 2006. “After he passed, it was a year before I could really do anything normally again,” Eminem writes. “It was tough for me to even get out of bed, and I had days when I couldn’t walk, let alone write a rhyme.” “I have never felt so much pain in my life. It’s a pain that is with me to this day. A pain that has become a part of who I am.” It was Proof, he says, who not only urged him to become an emcee, but also served as a “ghetto pass” – allowing the white Eminem the street cred he needed to enter Detroit’s black-dominated hip-hop scene. “If Proof hadn’t gotten me … into the rap game, I don’t know where I’d be,” he writes. “I certainly wouldn’t be someone you’ve heard of.” But millions of people have heard of him, and what they know of Eminem largely is based on his lyrics, his outsized public persona and the 2002 semi-autobiographical film, “8 Mile.” “The Way I Am” answers a few lingering controversies and questions, including his 2000 arrest for pistol-whipping a man who kissed his wife (“Guns are bad, I tell you”); his substance-abuse problem (“I’m glad that I realized it and set myself in the right direction”); the flap over his perceived homophobia (“Ultimately, who you choose to be in a relationship with and what you do in your bedroom is your business”); and ethnicity (“Honestly, I’d love to be remembered as one of the best to ever pick up a mic, but if I’m doing my part to lessen some racial tension I feel good about what I’m doing.”) Eminem also recounts his early years, living in public housing in Savannah, Mo., before moving to Detroit. He discusses the hurt he felt at never having known his father, the complicated relationship with his litigious mother and the suicides that ended the lives of his two uncles. After he made the move to the Motor City, Eminem describes being a quiet outsider at school, having his home repeatedly robbed, getting pummeled by the police and later bouncing between dead-end jobs trying to make ends meet to provide for his then-wife, Kim, and daughter, Hailie. But things turned in his favor when Proof urged him to start rap-battling at Detroit’s Hip Hop Shop. He made a name for himself in his home city by trading insult rhymes with fellow battlers and eventually branched out, competing in rap battles in Ohio and California. It was in Los Angeles that Eminem was spotted by an assistant in the office of Interscope Records executive Jimmy Iovine. Before long, rap icon Dr. Dre came in to help produce what would become Eminem’s ticket to stardom, 1999’s “The Slim Shady LP.” While the pair had worked out the songs, Dre said the album lacked the image of what the Slim Shady character should look like. A drug-fueled impulse buy took care of that problem. After two hits of Ecstasy, Eminem popped into a drugstore and on a whim purchased a bottle of peroxide. He threw some on his head and the platinum blonde hair and white T-shirt Slim Shady look was born. “I wasn’t thinking that the peroxide thing was going to be my look,” he writes. “I was just being stupid on drugs.” (It should be noted the book features a humorous passage in which Eminem describes having invented the Slim Shady persona during a moment of clarity … on the toilet.) The record ended up being a smash hit, as did two that came later, “The Marshall Mathers LP” and “The Eminem Show.” In all, he has won nine Grammys and an Oscar. And along the way, he’s had more than a few quirky high-profile run-ins, many of which he touches upon in the book: a fling with Mariah Carey, a performance with Elton John at the Grammys and the televised tiff with hand-puppet Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. Still, as he prepares to again enter the public eye, a more grounded, mature Eminem says he’s trying to keep everything in perspective. Music is important, but being a father to three girls – Hailie, niece Alaina and another girl, Whitney, who isn’t biologically his – is where it’s at. “All three of my girls call me Daddy,” he writes. “They’re all loved the same and they all get the same treatment. “Because of my success, I’ve been able to provide for them in ways my family never could for me. That’s what it’s all about.” (Daily Record)

They are sooooo together! Sin City sources reveal exclusively to PerezHilton.com that Hugh Hefner‘s ex-girlfriend, Holly Madison, and magician Criss Angel were super touchy feely Monday night at lounge CatHouse at the Luxor Hotel, where the illusionist has hew new Cirque show “They were completely enamored by each other as they kissed and held hands,” a top-notch spywitness tells us. Sorry, Hef, but anyone non-retirement age is an improvement for Holly! (Perez Hilton)

The recession has everyone tightening their belts – except Victoria’s Secret. The lingerie company just bought out high-end retailer (and celeb favorite) Lounge from its Broadway location between Prince and Houston in order to create a 24,000 square-foot superstore next year. VS already has a spot on Broadway and Prince, and this will double its size, spies said. Lounge has closed and will re-open at the Aventura Mall in Miami. (Page Six)

Ashton Kutcher can’t stop raving about his new gig as assistant coach for the freshman football team at L.A.’s Harvard-Westlake School. “I’m pleased to report that my Harvard Westlake football team is 4-2,” he writes on his MySpace Celebrity page. “I am blessed to step on the gridiron every week with a great group of individuals that understand that the collective force is greater that any individual can ever be.” The 30-year-old actor — who played football at his high school in Iowa — says he was apprehensive at first. “I was afraid of the time commitment,” he writes. “I was afraid that I would look stupid. I was afraid that the players wouldn’t listen to my football advice. I was afraid that the advice that I gave wouldn’t be very good.” Adds Kutcher, “I’ve have many situations in my life where I’ve had an opportunity to extend myself and walked away for many of those reasons. And though coaching a football team is no great step for mankind, I’m finding that it’s a great step for me… “I’m not there to teach them,” he says. “They are there to teach me.” (US Weekly)

Michael Phelps has a serious chip on his shoulder — and even more in his pockets. Captain Speedo is on a serious mission to become a respected world-class poker player … and he’s off to a pretty good start. Phelps hit the poker room at the Bellagio in Vegas the other day, where he strapped on his iPod, cracked open a Bud Lite, and ponied up at a no-limit Texas Hold ’em game. We’re told at one point, Phelps raked in a pot worth around $5,000! But there’s more…Over the weekend, Phelps entered a No Limit tourney at Caesars Palace, where he placed 9th out of 187 entrants. In fact, he did so well, Phelps was even awarded a cheesy gold medallion. Gotta love that. (TMZ)

Contrary to reports no settlement has been reached between Guy Ritchie and Madonna. Madonna and Guy Ritchie haven’t reached a divorce settlement, despite reports suggesting a deal had been struck, a spokesperson for the singer has confirmed. Several tabloid newspapers had suggested the pair had agreed to joint custody of their children, Lourdes, Rocco and David, and that Guy would take ownership of all their UK property, said to total £30m. However Liz Rosenberg, Madonna’s long-time official spokeswoman, has released a curt statement to the Associated Press insisting nothing was decided. “I will not be commenting on the various reports regarding the divorce or of the settlement which has not been finalized.” So there. (Handbag)

It’s been nearly a week since Madonna and Guy Ritchie announced their split, and oddly enough, the queen of pop’s little brother and biggest detractor, Christopher Ciccone, hasn’t had a thing to say about it. Why is the man who penned the tell-all tome “Life with My Sister Madonna,” remaining mum on the big news? In a statement issued to In Touch, Ciccone broke his silence long enough to explain. “In writing my memoirs, I have made a great many observations about myself and my sister Madonna,” Ciccone said. “I will not be commenting on her divorce as that is a private matter between her and Guy Ritchie and would consider any commentary on my part dishonorable and disrespectful.” That marks an interesting new perspective from the sibling who had plenty to say about the ins and outs of Madonna’s marriage in his book and even admitted he took a “guilty pleasure in watching (her) squirm” in the past. The new attitude may signal renewed family relations, too, as Ciccone mentioned he’s made contact with his celebrity sister. “I have expressed my heartfelt sadness to her and her family and offered my support should she need it,” he said. (Scoop)

“American Pie” actor Jason Biggs took a break from starring in “Boys’ Life” at the nearby Second Stage the other day to do a little gender-bending with his actress wife, Jenny Mollen. The happy pair popped into Halloween Adventures on West 43rd, snapping up rubber masks of Sarah Palin and John McCain, and wearing them out of the shop. But it was Biggs who played the Alaska governor. “It was hysterical,” said store manager Stella Sensel. (Page Six)

The staff of Irish America magazine must have quaffed a wee too much Guinness while they were writing about Adam Sandler in the current issue. The Brooklyn-born Jewish comic is identified as “Irish on his mother Anne Meara‘s side.” Meara, of course, is the mom of Ben Stiller. “It was just sort of brain blip, I guess,” editor-in-chief Patricia Harty told us. “We’re sure Adam won’t mind because he loves Ireland and loves Guinness. We’ll make him an Irish citizen.” (Page Six)

The paparazzi may be notorious for turning even the smallest of situations into a circus, but rarely do they make celebs feel like their down on the farm. Mary-Kate Olsen was riding shotgun in her friend’s car Monday when her gal-pal slightly backed into another vehicle outside an L.A. furniture store. As her friend spoke with the other driver, a clearly frustrated M.K. sat and waited in the passenger seat as shutterbugs relentlessly clicked away, until finally she yelled, “Get out of the f–king window. Are you kidding me? You guys are…” “Animals! Yeah, animals!” a paparazzo sarcastically interjected. “I’m a cow. Moooo!” Something tells us that’s not exactly the animal M.K. had in mind. (Eonline)

Paramount Pictures footed the bill for a stash of cocaine, a new memoir reveals. In “American Prince,” Tony Curtis relates how Dodi al-Fayed, Princess Diana’s future boyfriend, who was producing “Chariots of Fire” (1981), complained to Robert Evans, then head of the studio, that one of his actors had demanded coke, and “it’s so expensive. Where am I going to get the money?” Curtis writes: “Bob said, ‘Well just charge it to the transportation department.’ Apparently, finding ways to hide the cost of cocaine was common practice in Hollywood during that time.” The flick went on to win an Oscar for best picture. (Page Six)

The 18-year-old son of Hulk Hogan has been released from jail in Florida after serving five months for causing a serious traffic crash. Nick Bollea was released from the Pinellas County Jail on Tuesday morning. He had pleaded no contest in May to causing the crash. Bollea was arrested last year after authorities say he sped on a busy street and crashed his father’s car, leaving a friend and former Marine permanently disabled. Bollea could have faced five years in prison, but the victim’s family requested a lesser sentence. Bollea’s mother, Linda, released a statement Tuesday asking for privacy. She says Nick went into prison as a juvenile and has experienced something that will mold and affect him for the rest of his adult life. (Daily Record)

Campbell’s Soup has declared war on Pop Burger over a wall-length mural of Andy Warhol’s famed soup can silkscreens. The retro burger-and-fries joint recently opened a large, new outpost on East 58th Street and covered one wall by its takeout window with multiple images of the pop art king’s most famous work. But the conservative, 139-year-old soup company is not amused in the least. In a recent letter to the burger chain demanding the mural’s immediate removal, a lawyer for Campbell’s, Jill Johnston, said displaying the famous red, gold, black and white label makes it seem that the restaurant is “affiliated with or sponsored by Campbell in some way.” Calling it an “infringement of the trademark rights of the Campbell Soup,” Johnston writes: “We recognize that your use of this material is intended as an homage to Andy Warhol and to convey a ‘pop art’ theme. We would have no objection to your use as ‘occasional’ wall art of two or three individual Warhol posters.” But the legal pressure isn’t swaying the popular eatery one bit. A Pop Burger representative sniffed to Page Six: “Who knew that Campbell’s Soup still existed? The only reason they are probably still in business is because Andy gave them a place in pop culture history that will forever be celebrated as some of the best art work ever created. And as for their request – come and try to take them down. They don’t have a can to p – – – in or a window to throw it out of regarding the legality of their request.” The rep added that several calls to Johnston to try to amicably discuss the matter have not been returned. Warhol himself got along just fine with Campbell’s Soup. After his silkscreens became famous, the company sent him actual soup can labels so he could use them for invitations for one of his exhibits. (Page Six)

David Duchovny‘s heaping it on with a lawsuit against the Mail on Sunday for publishing a story alleging he had an affair with his Hungarian tennis instructor, the now-infamous Edit Pakay. His attorney, Larry Stein, says there was nothing romantic between the two. A divorce, rumors, and a lawsuit. David’s got his work cut out for him! (Perez Hilton)

Britney Spears has a license to go free. Jurors remained deadlocked 10-2 on whether she was guilty of driving without a valid California license Tuesday. A mistrial was declared, prosecutors said they wouldn’t pursue the matter further – and Spears was spared a criminal record when the judge ultimately dismissed the case. Ten of the 12 jurors favored outright acquittal for Spears, who never appeared in court. Her attorney, J. Michael Flanagan, declared victory and criticized prosecutors for bringing a “fix-it ticket” to trial because his client is famous. But Los Angeles Deputy City Attorney Michael Amerian said blame for the case getting this far belonged to Spears, who rejected two plea deals – one that included probation and another that would require her to pay a $1,000 fine. Flanagan has said Spears fought the charge to keep her record clean. The jury’s deadlock could not be broken Tuesday, even after Los Angeles Superior Court Judge James Steele permitted attorneys to make additional closing arguments in the morning. The jury struggled with the case since resuming deliberations Monday, telling a judge they couldn’t reach an unanimous decision after five votes going back to Friday. Steele thanked jurors for their time and dismissed them, and prosecutors told him a couple of hours later that they were dropping the matter, prompting him to dismiss the case. Gary Moy, the jury’s foreman, said Tuesday afternoon that he thought prosecutors did enough to convict Spears, but that the majority of his fellow jurors could not be swayed and thought the case was a waste of time. Moy added that he believed some jurors favored Spears because of her fame. Amerian said the result was another example of the challenge of trying the famous in Tinseltown. “It just goes to show, I think, how difficult it is to convict any celebrity of a crime here in Los Angeles,” Amerian said. “For whatever reason, jurors are reluctant to do that and I think history shows that.” But Flanagan said Spears fame drove the case to trial, and that she should have been allowed to pay a small fine rather than face the maximum penalty of six months in jail and a $1,000 fine. Deliberations lasted longer than the case, which featured only three witnesses and roughly a day’s worth of testimony and arguments. The defense had argued that Spears didn’t meet the state’s residency requirements, and that her Louisiana license was all she needed to drive legally. Jurors posed a pair of questions Monday before declaring themselves deadlocked: One sought to clarify the charges against Spears, and whether she should be considered guilty if she possessed a valid Louisiana license. The other: “Why was she stopped in the first place?” In fact, there was no traffic stop that precipitated the case; she was cited later, after video of the accident surfaced. Attorneys on both sides agreed that Spears was behind the wheel in August 2007 when she hit a parked car. That kept jurors from hearing any mention of the hit-and-run – or any narrative elements to explain why she faced a criminal charge. Amerian initially put up only one witness and entered one piece of evidence during the trial, showing that Spears did not have a valid California license more than a week after the accident. In all, only three witnesses testified. After Flanagan called Spears’ father to the stand, Amerian introduced signed papers from the singer’s divorce that indicated she had been a California resident since at least 2006. Amerian said he thought he did enough to prove the case, but that pursuing it further wouldn’t be “prudent.” Flanagan said he spoke to Britney Spears’ father and conservator, Jamie Spears, after the dismissal and described him as “ecstatic” with the result.” Spears is in the midst of a comeback, recently earning three MTV Video Music Awards. As her trial started last week, Billboard announced that her new single, “Womanizer,” was No. 1 on its charts. The trial featured flashes of insight into Spears life, with a paparazzo witness for the prosecution telling jurors that Spears had recently tried to sneak out of her hilltop home in a gardener’s truck, but he spotted her between the plants.

Flanagan repeatedly said Spears intends to return to her home state of Louisiana and is building a new house there. He said those plans are on hold because she still has not regained custody of her two young sons from ex-husband Kevin Federline. Despite a litany of legal woes this year, including her ongoing conservatorship, Flanagan said Spears is making progress. “Things are going in the right direction for her,” he said. (Daily Record)

A wild ride that led to Lindsay Lohan’s arrest has sparked another lawsuit. Court records show that three men who claim they were in a sport utility vehicle that Lohan commandeered in July 2007 sued the “Mean Girls” star last week. Their allegations include battery, false imprisonment and that the actress was negligent when she allegedly took over one of the men’s SUV to chase her recently fired assistant. That chase ended when the assistant’s mother called police because she was being followed and led Lohan toward a police station. Officers suspected Lohan was drunk and arrested her. Lohan’s attorney calls the lawsuit, first reported by TMZ, “absurd.” The men are seeking more than $25,000. (Daily Record)

Lil Wayne’s assistant says he occasionally saw a handgun and people smoking marijuana on the award-winning rapper’s tour bus. But Terry Bourgeois also testified Monday he never saw Lil Wayne with a gun and didn’t know whether one was on the bus in July 2007 when the 26-year-old rapper was arrested in Manhattan on gun charges. A police officer testified last month she boarded Lil Wayne’s bus after a concert because she smelled marijuana. She said that while on the bus she saw him try to hide a gun. Defense lawyer Stacey Richman wants the charges dismissed. She says police falsely claimed they smelled marijuana so they could illegally board the bus. The rapper (real name: Dwayne Carter) has pleaded not guilty and is free on $70,000 bail. (Daily Record)

Jury selection began Monday for the murder retrial of music producer Phil Spector, who is accused of killing actress Lana Clarkson at his mansion five years ago. About 80 prospects reported to court and an initial group of 18 was chosen for questioning by lawyers later in the day. Superior Court Judge Larry Paul Fidler asked the nine men and nine women if they can be fair and impartial and follow his instructions. “What we do not want … is people with an agenda,” Fidler told jurors. One woman gave a long pause about whether she could sit on a jury, before revealing her son had been murdered several years ago. A middle-age man said he might have trouble being objective, considering someone of Spector’s stature is on trial. “I feel that certain celebrities may have an advantage in the sort of defense attorneys they can choose and afford versus someone who cannot,” the man said. Spector is charged with second-degree murder in the 2003 death of Lana Clarkson. The 40-year-old actress died of a gunshot through the mouth while sitting in the foyer of his Alhambra mansion. Spector’s first trial ended a year ago when jurors deadlocked 10-2, with the majority favoring conviction. Spector’s defense suggested Clarkson shot herself. Spector was in court with his wife, Rachelle. The 69-year-old wore a long, black pinstriped jacket with a bright red tie and a silver dragonfly broach on his lapel. Jury selection is expected to last the rest of the week. Prospective jurors who reported Monday had already filled out lengthy questionnaires asking their views about the criminal justice system and if they had followed celebrity criminal trials, including Spector’s. (Daily Record)

MUSIC . . .

She’s baaaack! Britney Spears is gearing up to perform live in Bryant Park on “GMA” on Dec. 2 to promote her new album and single, “Womanizer.” Sources said, “Everybody wanted her – she was the big get – but ‘GMA’ and ABC outfoxed the ‘Today’ and NBC.” While Spears has yet to decide if she’ll do an interview, she’s coming out with an MTV special in which she talks about her trying last two years. NBC suits are said to be “fuming” at losing Spears. (Page Six)

After spending most of 2008 dealing with health issues, the members of Aerosmith plan to get back together in 2009 — to, among other things, complete an album that group has already started recording. “We’re sitting on a bunch of music we’ve already recorded for a new album,” guitarist Brad Whitford, who’s currently on the road as part of the all-star Experience Hendrix tour, tells Billboard.com. “We haven’t gone back into the studio the put the final touches on it and get it done and still don’t know when we’re gonna do that. Hopefully it’ll be sooner rather than later.” The album will be Aerosmith’s first of all-original material since 2001’s “Just Push Play;” 2004’s “Honkin’ on Bobo” was comprised primarily of cover versions. Most of Aerosmith’s headlines this year were away from the recording studio and concert stage. Guitarist Joe Perry had knee reconstruction surgery in March. Frontman Steven Tyler, meanwhile, spent time in a California rehabilitation clinic during the spring to recover from his own leg injuries in a drug-controlled environment; he did re-emerge on July 18 to sing “Walk This Way” with Billy Joel and his band at New York’s Shea Stadium. “You have more than average concerns about it, I guess,” Whitford says, “but you can’t do anything about it. Like a lot of other things in life, you don’t get to call the shots on these things, do you? We’re just … getting older.” Whitford says there’s a silver lining to all of this, however. “It’s been kind of nice just to be able to have some time and spend time with the family,” he says. “I don’t think we’ve ever had this much time off. It’s a real difference. I’m not really used to it.” Whitford will be on the road with Experience Hendrix until Sunday (Oct. 26); the tour runs through Nov. 7. (Billboard)

Eminem says his comeback album will have a “lot of material” after five months of solid work on the record with Dr. Dre. As previously reported, the set is titled “Relapse” and is expected before the end of the year via Interscope. Speaking to BBC Radio 1’s Zane Lowe, Eminem said, “For the last five months I’ve been working pretty much straight with Dre. There’s going to be a lot of material, more so than I’ve had on an album with him producing before.” He added, “Obviously his beats are insane but aside from that I can rap, I can write and not worry about what the beat has to sound like and how loud a snare drum is. All those things are taken care of for me. I feel like a spoiled rapper. I get to pick and choose everything.” The rapper said he has no plans to tour at present and, referring to his previous success, has “no desire to be that big again.” Asked about his voting intentions next month, Eminem said, “Yeah, I will vote for Barack Obama. I can’t get too political honestly because I don’t know enough about everything to know what’s going on. “I know we’re going into a recession and pardon the cliche, but we need something to change. I think Barack would be a breath of fresh air to get what’s left of the Bush administration out t door.” Eminem’s memoir, “The Way I Am,” hits stores internationally this week. (Billboard)

A man accused of placing unreleased Guns N’ Roses songs on the Internet pleaded innocent yesterday (Oct. 20) in Los Angeles federal court. Kevin Cogill, 27, is charged with violating federal copyright law. No date has been set for the trial, said Thom Mrozek, a spokesman for the U.S. Attorney’s Office. The FBI says that Cogill posted nine tracks from Guns N’ Roses’ upcoming album “Chinese Democracy” on the Web site antiquiet.com. Cogill was arrested in August at his Los Angeles home and released on bail the same day. He faces three years in federal prison if convicted, and five years if the court finds he posted the songs for commercial gain. Guns N’ Roses said in a statement at the time of the arrest that while it did not condone Coghill’s actions, “our interest is in the original source” of the material. Mrozek declined to comment on whether there would be any additional arrests. “Chinese Democracy” is due Nov. 23 exclusively in Best Buy stores. The project has been delayed multiple times over the years as singer Axl Rose shed all his original bandmates. (Billboard)

Scarlett Johansson is giving peace a chance. Nobel Peace, that is. The brand-spankin’-new newlywed has signed on to cohost the 15th annual Nobel Peace Prize Concert in Oslo Dec. 11, held as always the day after the Nobel Prize is handed out in Norway. “We’re extremely pleased Ms. Johansson will join us for the Nobel Peace Prize Concert,” Geir Lundestad, secretary of the Norwegian Nobel Committee, said. “Her compassion and influence will help us tremendously in our mission of spreading the global message of peace.” The announcement also heralded a return to the Scandinavian roots of the actress, who holds, for those unaware, dual U.S. and Danish citizenship. Johansson’s cohost for the event—headlined by Diana Ross and featuring performances by Feist and country star Dierks Bentley, among other more internationally bent artists—will be announced in coming weeks. (Launch)

MOVIE . . .

Beyoncé Knowles found it a lot easier to prepare for her appearance in upcoming movie Cadillac Records than for hit musical Dreamgirls – because she had to gain weight instead of lose her curves for the role. The Bootylicious beauty went on a strict diet to drop the pounds to play Deena Jones in 2006’s Oscar-winning movie – a story loosely based on Motown band The Supremes. But she was required to do the exact opposite to play Etta James in Cadillac Records – putting on 6.8 kilograms. And Knowles enjoyed every minute of filling out her figure. She tells In Style magazine, “I gained almost 15 pounds to play the role. It was way easier – and tastier – than having to lose so much weight for Dreamgirls.” (Teen Hollywood)

The two planned sequels to hit movie The Golden Compass have become Hollywood’s first major victims of the current economic crisis – production on the movies has been put on hold indefinitely. The Golden Compass, which starred Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig, was the first of author Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials fantasy trilogy to be adapted for the big screen. Two further films based on Pullman’s novels – The Subtle Knife and The Amber Spyglass – were due to be made following the box office success of The Golden Compass – but plans have stalled as a result of the present downturn in the international economy. Eva Green, who was cast by director Chris Weitz as witch-queen Serafina, says, “At the moment it’s quite dead.” The Golden Compass had a budget of $180 million – making it one of New Line studio’s most expensive projects to date. It has grossed more than $370 million worldwide since its December 2007 release. (Teen Hollywood)

Terrence Howard sat down with the folks at NPR recently and one of the topics that came up was his ‘firing’ from Iron Man. We kinda feel bad for the guy cuz – according to him – it looks like the Iron Man people screwed him over. Then again, he is probably might be lying! Says Howard: Howard: It was the surprise of a lifetime. There was no explanation. [The contract] just…up and vanished. I read something in the trades implicating that it was about money or something, but apparently the contracts that we write and sign aren’t worth the paper that they’re printed on, sometimes. Promises aren’t kept, and good faith negotiations aren’t always held up. Wonder how Don Cheadle feels about this. If it happened to T., it could easily happen to Don, right? (Perez Hilton)

Castle Rock has picked up “Book of Shadows,” an action-adventure pitch from Zoe Green that will act as a directing vehicle for principal Rob Reiner. The story follows a young man who must embark on the perilous journey of first love and face many trials of maturity while on the dangerous quest to close a mythical tome called “Book of Shadows” in order to restore balance to the world. Reiner was in a general meeting with Green and told her of an idea on which he had been working. Green picked up on that and ran with it, fleshing it out. Reiner will produce with Alan Greisman and Ron Casdan. Castle Rock president Liz Glotzer and chairman Martin Schafer brought “Shadows” into the company, which has a first-look deal at Warner Bros. and finances its own development. Reiner is repped by CAA. Green is with UTA. (Hollywood Reporter)

Management company Handprint Entertainment is shutting its doors at year’s end, sources said. The firm, led by partners Benny Medina and Jeff Pollack, has boasted such high-profile clients over the years as Jennifer Lopez, Tyra Banks, Mariah Carey, Kyra Sedgwick, Mekhi Phifer, Usher, Chris Rock, Will Smith, Sean “Puffy” Combs, Kenneth “Babyface” Edmonds and Nicole Richie. However, most of those clients have parted ways with the company, with Banks and Usher exiting within the past year. Reports surfaced last month that Carey was the latest to exit the company, but statements from the singer and manager reportedly indicated that, while Handprint would not be managing Carey, the parties would still be working on projects together. Calls to Handprint for comment were not returned. (Hollywood Reporter)

Overture Films has tapped David Gordon Green to direct the horror thriller “Freaks of the Heartland,” written by freshman scribes Peter Sattler and Geoff Davey. The company recently purchased the rights to the Dark Horse graphic novel written by Steve Niles. Green and Dark Horse Entertainment president Mike Richardson are producing. Niles, who also wrote “30 Days of Night,” is executive producing. Illustrated by Greg Ruth, Niles’ six-part 2004 series about the horrible secret of a rural Middle American town involves Trevor Owen’s attempts to protect his “monster” of a 6-year-old younger brother and Gristlewood Valley’s other “freaks” from their parents’ worst instincts. Overture COO Danny Rosett, who worked with Green on his 2004 film “Undertow” when Rosett was at United Artists, pre-emptively purchased the rights for the company. Overture continues to accelerate its development of genre material; it has “Pandorum” shooting in Berlin and “The Crazies,” a reinvention of George A. Romero’s 1973 horror film, in development with Breck Eisner attached to direct. The Liberty Media studio also recently acquired remake rights to the Swedish horror film “Let the Right One In,” which “Cloverfield” director Matt Reeves will write and direct; the Icelandic mystery “Jar City”; and the Israeli comedy “92 Minutes.” Overture has “Last Chance Harvey” and “Nothing Like the Holidays” releasing before year’s end. “Righteous Kill” was its most recent opening. Green, who is repped by CAA and the Gotham Group, most recently directed “Pineapple Express” and “Snow Angels.” Gotham also reps Sattler, Davey and Dark Horse. Niles is repped by CAA. (Hollywood Reporter)

Paramount Vantage has bought its first project of the Guy Stodel era, signing on for the crime drama “Buried,” with Todd Field attached to direct. Brad Ingelsby will write the screenplay, which centers on a couple who, in a bid for cash, bury a wealthy man alive only to be caught and then forced to cope with the fallout on their relationship. Alexandra Milchan is on board to produce the picture, which also contains elements of dark comedy. The story is based on an article written by Hillel Levin and James Keene. The duo had previously set up an untitled undercover-prison drama at Paramount based on Keene’s life. The William Morris-repped Ingelsby has been busy of late; the scribe, who is already attached to Ridley Scott’s “The Low Dweller,” signed on last week for Sam Raimi’s “Sleeper.” Field is on board to direct the Cormac McCarthy adaptation “Blood Meridian” for Scott Rudin. “Buried” is the first project picked up by Vantage since New Line veteran Stodel took over for Amy Israel as exec VP production and acquisitions this summer. Stodel was seen as a genre specialist, but Vantage topper Nicholas Meyer said at the time of the hire that the company would continue to make auteur-driven pictures, with the Oscar-nominated Field (“In the Bedroom,” “Little Children”) certainly fitting that definition. Ingelsby is managed by Brooklyn Weaver and repped by attorney Jeff Frankel; Field is repped by Endeavor and attorney Stuart Rosenthal. (Hollywood Reporter)

TV . . .

Chicago-based Harpo Productions says the show is being made available in Spanish through Secondary Audio Programming and closed captioning. The Spanish-language offerings launched Monday in the country’s six largest Hispanic TV markets, including Chicago, Los Angeles, New York, Miami, Houston and Dallas. More cities are expected to be added this season. Harpo is picking up the cost of the translation service in order to boost its Hispanic audience. “It allows us to serve the fastest growing demographic of the U.S. population,” Angela DePaul, a spokeswoman for Harpo Productions Inc. Advertising spots remain the same, and the show’s syndication fees are locked in through 2011. “The Oprah Winfrey Show” is now in its 23rd season. It’s syndicated to 214 domestic stations and in 139 countries. (Daily Record)

This couldn’t be better if Tina Fey had written it herself. And she’s an Emmy-winning writer. Here’s how it unfolds: Fey is the creator-star of “30 Rock,” an NBC comedy series that everybody loves (though a few more viewers wouldn’t hurt). Then, shortly after the show starts shooting its third season, a presidential candidate announces as his running mate the governor of a large state you can see Russia from. And the would-be Republican veep happens to look a lot like Fey. Can you see where this is going – uh, went? Fey makes several guest appearances spoofing the candidate on the late-night satire show where she used to be a regular, and she’s a smash. Then the real-life candidate does a much-anticipated walk-on, doing her version of how Fey has been doing her. Spoofing the spoof. About 17 million tune in for this spectacle of twice-removed reality. Then everyone on “30 Rock” awaits its season premiere Oct. 30, riding this powerful publicity wave. On the big night, the whole country is watching, bless its heart. And faster than you can say “you betcha,” “30 Rock” explodes as the hit it was destined to be. “I hope this ends up helping `30 Rock,'” allows Fey, referring to her Sarah Palin sideline the past few weeks on “Saturday Night Live.” But she’s keeping her expectations modest. “I would like the audience to go up just enough so that people don’t have to refer to it as ‘the ratings-challenged “30 Rock'” anymore.” Never mind those doggone ratings. Last year “30 Rock” averaged about 6 million viewers every week. But that’s just pointing backwards. As the new season nears, Fey is giving everyone a shout-out who hasn’t been watching. “If they want to try a fun comedy show,” she says, “then we’ll be there.” Over coffee last week around the corner from the Manhattan apartment she shares with husband Jeff Richmond (music director of “30 Rock”) and Alice, their 3-year-old daughter, Fey is enjoying a rare morning off from the studio. She’s clad in jeans, T-shirt and tennies, and looks relaxed, noting happily she got to sleep late. But it’s been a jam-packed autumn, which, along with her “SNL” gig, entailed a whirlwind trip to Los Angeles to collect a new batch of Emmy Awards, adding to the Peabody and Golden Globe earlier this year. And then word leaked about Fey’s book deal. “I don’t know much yet,” she said when asked for details, “except it would be a humor book and not a memoir, and that my mom has already pre-ordered 50 of them.” In short, Fey, 38, seems as busy as her fictitious “30 Rock” alter ego. Along with serving as a writer and producer, she plays Liz Lemon, the overextended producer of an NBC comedy inspired by “SNL” (where Fey toiled for nine seasons, the last six as head writer as well as cast member). But “30 Rock” is a finely crafted marvel of looniness concerned with lampooning more than the TV world. It also mines humor from absurd corporate scheming and from Liz’s nonstarter romantic life, plus (in the spirit of “Seinfeld”) skewering the solipsistic vanities of being a Manhattanite. Liz is surrounded by kookie comrades like company boss Jack Donaghy (played with purring megalomania by Alec Baldwin) and Tracy Jordan (portrayed by Tracy Morgan), Liz’s boisterously unhinged star. Jane Krakowski, Scott Adsit, Jack McBrayer, Judah Friedlander and Keith Powell richly complete the ensemble, supplemented by frequent guest stars. Oprah Winfrey, Steve Martin and Jennifer Aniston will appear on future episodes, as well as Salma Hayek as Jack’s new love interest. In the season premiere (which Fey wrote) Liz wants to adopt a child. But Liz’s screwball workplace could raise questions about her fitness as a parent when the agency’s counselor (guest star Megan Mullally) pays a visit. Wait – isn’t something about Mullally’s appearance familiar? “It’s funny: Megan chose a very Sarah Palin hairstyle for her character,” says Fey. “It may look purposeful now, but it’s not. The episode was shot before any of that.” Fey makes no claims to prophesy. It was only when she saw TV coverage of Palin at a rally nearly two weeks after teaming with John McCain that she began to see the possibilities. “That was the first time I thought, `Well, I kinda do look like her. I’d better really listen to how this lady talks.'” Apparently, she did. Just a few days later, she greeted “SNL” viewers with her funny-mirror debut as Palin. It created a sensation, and made clear: Through some sort of accident of timing, genes and public mandate, Fey and Palin had occupied adjoining berths in the zeitgeist. “The `SNL’ stuff has certainly changed things for me,” says Fey. “A lot more people seem to know who I am.” And it’s been fun. But with a political race as harsh and divisive as this one, her prominence within it “has made me feel weird and vulnerable.” It’s not that she hadn’t mimicked or otherwise mocked politicians before, sometimes creating a stir. “But this is at a different level,” she says. “It will settle down after the election – whoever wins.” And far beyond the election – far beyond it, she hopes – “30 Rock” will keep her at full throttle. “We’re so in the thick of it,” says Fey, looking pleased and, come to think of it, not so much like Palin. “We’re spending all day every day trying to figure out ways to make stuff funny. That’s the business at hand.” (Daily Record)

Multiplatform horror-thriller network FearNet has partnered with music video director Mary Lambert for a music-driven vampire-themed series, “The Dark Path Chronicles.” Lambert, whose credits including directing videos for Madonna (“Like a Virgin,” “Material Girl”) and Janet Jackson (“Control,” “Nasty Boys”) as well as projects with Sting and Mariah Carey, wrote and directed the series. It revolves around a young vampire just awakened from hibernation and a teenage girl who hears voices who together explore a parallel reality. “Dark Path” debuts Nov. 6 on FearNet.com and FearNet’s VOD network. Jim Burns, who co-created MTV’s “Unplugged” franchise, exec produces. Lambert produces with Elizabeth Stanley and Mark Lieber. Music will play a big role in the series, featuring up-and-coming Goth-metal-influenced bands including Zombi, Junius, Jesu, Watch Me Burn and Prophet 7:13. “The vampire genre is hotter than ever,” FearNet president Diane Robina said. “There is no better way to marry the culture of vampires with cutting-edge music than by partnering with Mary Lambert for this series.” The ad-supported FearNet is a joint venture of Comcast, Sony Pictures TV and Lionsgate. (Hollywood Reporter)

Central European Media Enterprises Monday became the sole owner of the Ukrainian TV channel 1+1 after buying the remaining 10% stake from Boris Fuksman and Alexander Rodnyanski. According to Ukrainian news sources, CME paid $109 million for the stake. 1+1 is Ukraine’s first private TV channel. It was founded in 1995 and is currently the country’s second biggest TV channel for the size of audience, which amounted to 16.9% in the first half of 2008. The channel’s revenues in the first half of the year were $53.47 million. (Hollywood Reporter)

NBC has picked up “Knight Rider” for a full season, sources say. The network has ordered another nine episodes of the Wednesday night action-drama, which is produced by the network’s sister division Universal Media Studios. “Rider” has been modestly rated since its premiere, typically matching CBS’ comedy block for second place in its 8 p.m. time slot. The most recent episode was seen by 6.9 million viewers, and earned a 2.3 adults 19-49 rating and 7 share. The “Rider” pickup marks the first freshman fall NBC series to receive a full season order, joining CBS’ “The Mentalist,” Fox’s “Fringe” and CW’s “90210.” (Hollywood Reporter)

TODAY’S IMPOSSIBLE QUESTION . . . (Mike Butts Creative)

Q. You can usually count on THIS for about 60 years?

A. Your John – Loo – Toilet

TODAY’S QUOTE (By John F. Kennedy)

“THE STORIES OF PAST COUIRAGE . . . CAN OFFER HOPE, THEY CAN PROVIE INSPIRATION. BUT THEY CANNOT SUPPLY COURAGE ITSELF. FOR THIS EACH MAN MUST LOOK INTO HIS OWN SOUL.”

MIND BOGGLERS . . . (QuickTrivia)

Q. In 2001, who promised every American free food if MIR hit its floating target off the Australian coast?

A. McDonald’s

B. Kentucky Fried Chicken

C. Dairy Queen

D. Taco Bell ****

Q. Which celebrity fan appeared on “All My Children” as Verla Grubbs in 1983 and 1985?

A. Carol Burnett ****

B. Demi Moore

C. Elizabeth Taylor

D. Oprah Winfry

Q. What band had a 1960s hit that included the French words, “Sont les mots qui vont tres bien ensemble”?

A. The Beatles ****

B. Jefferson Airplane

C. The Guess Who

D. The Doors

Q. Aristotle through the world was made up of four elements. Which one is missing from the name of the first black act to top Billboard’s pop singe and album charts simultaneously?

A. Wind

B. Water ****

C. Earth

D. Fire

Q. Who forced female Hawaiian hula dancers to replace their short skirts with long ones in the 1820s?

A. Captain Cook

B. New England missionaries ****

C. King Kamehameha

D. Coco Chanel

Q. MBAs often become corporate Presidents. Who was the first MBA to become President of the United States?

A. Herbert Hoover

B. William McKinley

C. George W. Bush ****

D. John F. Kennedy

TRAVEL TIPS . . . (Peter Greenberg Worldwide)

ANIMAL RESCUE TRAVEL:

If you’re looking for a volunteer vacation where you can rescue animals, I’ll tell you where to look. Best Friends Animal Society invites volunteers to its animal sanctuary in southern Utah. You can help out for a few hours or a few days by feeding, cleaning and walking animals like dogs, rabbits, horses and pot-bellied pigs. The sanctuary also provides a list of nearby hotels and guest cottages. The PAWS Wildlife Center outside of Seattle is the largest animal rescue and rehabilitation center the Pacific Northwest. Small groups of volunteers can participate in one-day volunteer projects to improve and upgrade animal facilities. And, for about two thousand dollars for four weeks, you can travel with Global Vision to volunteer in Queensland, Australia on koala conservation research project. If you’re feeling adventurous, you can even help a research team living in the Australian bush and monitor the koalas.

(Peter Greenberg is North America’s preeminent expert on Travel. An Emmy Award-Winning writer and producer, Peter is the Travel Editor for NBC’S “TODAY SHOW,” MSNBC and CNBC. A Best-Selling author of the “Travel Detective” series and host of the nationally syndicated “Peter Greenberg Worldwide Radio Show.” Visit WWW.PETERGREENBERGWORLDWIDE.COM to learn more about Peter Greenberg and his adventures.)

MIKE BUTTS CREATIVE . . .

PUNS ARE INTENDED: J

EVERY ONE HAS A DIFFERENT SENSE OF HUMOR—EVER NOTICED THAT? SOME PEOPLE ONLY LIKE CORNY JOKES—OTHER PEOPLE

ARE INTO THE RACIER VARIETY—THEN YOU HAVE PEOPLE WHO LOVE THE “PUNS”.. I GOT AN EMAIL FROM A LOYAL LISTENER

CPOGEORGE. J

I WONDERED WHY THE BASEBALL KEPT GETTING BIGGER~AND THEN IT HIT ME J

ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATIONJ

A SIGN ON THE LAWN AT THE DRUG REHAB CENTER SAID – –KEEP OFF THE GRASSJ

THE TEACHER TOOK THE RUBBER BAND GUN FROM THE STUDENT IN MATH CLASS BECAUSE: IT WAS A WEAPON OF MASS DISRUPTIONJ

A DOG GAVE BIRTH TO HER PUPPIES NEAR A ROAD AND WAS CITED FOR LITTERING J

THE BUTCHER BACKED INTO THE MEAT GRINDER AND GOT A LITTLE BE-HIND..IN HIS WORK J

WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU TOSS A GRENADE INTO A FRENCH KITCHEN? LINOLEUM BLOWN-A-PART!! J

WE CAN TRACK COWS? Email from Hank

ISNT IT AMAZING THAT DURING THE MAD COW DISEASE SCARE-THE FDA WAS ABLE TO TRACK A SINGLE COW—BORN IN CANADA 3

YEARS PRIOR—RIGHT TO THE STALL WHERE IT WAS BORN AND WHERE IT SLEPT IN WASHINGTON STATE..BUT WE’RE UNABLE TO

LOCATE 11 MILLION ILLEGAL ALIENS WANDERING ABOUT AMERICA, OR FIND OSAMA BIN LADEN..MAYBE WE SHOULD GIVE THEM

A COW! I’M JUST SAYING. J

BIRTHDAYS . . .

–1811 Composer Franz Liszt (d. 7-31-1886)

–1917 Actress Joan Fontaine

–1920 Psychologist Timothy Francis Leary (d. 5-31-1996)

–1925 Artist Robert Rauschenberg (d. 5-12-2008)

–1938 Actor Derek Jacobi (Inside the Third Reich)

–1938 Actor Christopher Lloyd (Back to the Future)

–1939 Actor Tony Roberts (Hannah & Her Sisters)

–1939 Musician Ray Jones (Billy J. Kramer and The Dakotas) (“Little Children”) (d. 1-20-2000)

–1942 Actress/singer Annette Funicello (Back to the Beach) (“Tall Paul”)

–1942 Musician Bobby Fuller (The Bobby Fuller Four) (“I Fought The Law”) (d. 7-18-1966)

–1943 Actress Catherine Deneuve (The Metro)

–1945 Musician Leslie West (Mountain) (“Mississippi Queen”)

–1945 Musician Eddie Brigati (Rascals) (“How Can I Be Sure”)

–1952 Actor Jeff Goldblum (The Tall Guy)

–1952 Singer Carl Carlton (“Everlasting Love”)

–1958 Musician Bobby Blotzer (Ratt)

–1963 Olympic Gold medal figure skater Brian Anthony Boitano

–1966 Actress Valeria Golino (Hot Shots)

–1968 Singer Shelby Lynne

THIS DAY IN HISTORY . . .

–1836 Sam Houston is sworn in as the first president of the Republic of Texas.

–1883 New York’s Metropolitan Opera House opened with a performance of Gounod’s “Faust.”

–1934 US government G-men shot down public enemy #1 “Pretty Boy” Floyd, on a farm in Ohio.

–1964 The High Numbers, who later became the Who, are turned down for a recording contract by EMI Records in England.

–1966 The Beach Boys release a rock-n-roll classic, “Good Vibrations.”

–1966 The Jefferson Airplane play their first concert in Santa Barbara, CA. Signe Anderson is the lead singer in the pre- Grace Slick days.

–1982 Mayor Sara Robertson declares it Van Halen Day in Worcester, MA, after 25,000 petitions are signed by fans who want the band to add another show to their tour.

–1984 Paul McCartney’s “Give My Regards To Broad Street” soundtrack album is issued. Also out the same day: Wham!’s “Make It Big.”

–1986 Surgeon General C. Everett Koop urged that parents and schools educate their children at the lowest grade levels about sexual matters, to help prevent the spread of AIDS.

–1988 Stevie Wonder plays a mostly-oldies/album cut set at LA’s Pacific Amphitheater, but is forced to end early because of a community curfew.

–1997 Harry Goodman age 91 dies from complications of a stroke. He was the brother & sideman to bandleader Benny Goodman

RADIO ONLINE^® DAILY SHOW PREP^™. . .

ON THIS DAY

On this date in 1797, a Frenchman made the world’s first successful parachute jump from a hot air balloon, after the world’s first hot air balloon fire.

In 1934, gangster Pretty Boy Floyd was shot to death by the FBI. Ironically, it wasn’t pretty.

On this date in 1939, an NFL game was televised for the very first time. If only TV’s had been invented, it would have been much more entertaining.

In 1981, the U.S. national debt topped $1 trillion for the very first time. Now that’s congressional beer money.

TODAY IS

Orville Richard Burrell turns 40 today. You know him as rap singer Shaggy turns 40 today. He plans a quiet evening at home celebrating with Scoobie-Doobie-Do!

Jeff Goldblum hits #56. He’s a survivor — he’s made it through becoming a fly, several trips to Jurassic Park… Independence Day… it’s a wonder he’s alive!

Christopher Lloyd turns 70 today. If there was ever a time for Doc to invent a time machine, this would be it.

THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW

Donald Trump’s daughter Ivanka is the spokesperson for a new line of microwave lunch meats.
Eminem says he came up with his nickname “Slim Shady” while he was sitting on the toilet. We needed to know that why?
Big movie role for Beyonce coming up, when she plays Etta James in the musical drama Cadillac Records, in theaters December.
Congrats to Gillian Anderson, who gave birth to her second child last week. A boy she named Felix.
Gwyneth Paltrow says she’s helping her friend Madonna through her marriage split.
The 18-year-old son of Hulk Hogan has been released from jail in Florida after serving five months for causing a serious traffic crash.
When Brad Paisley’s private plane flew into Nashville on Saturday, he was greeted by two police officers who arrested and handcuffed him on charges of “excessive noodling.” Turns out to have been payback for some of Brad’s pranks he pulled on Jewel during the Paisley Party Tour.
The new hot couple: New York Yankee Derek Jeter and “Friday Night Lights” star Minka Kelly.
Barack Obama is canceling campaign events Thursday and Friday so that he can visit his suddenly-ill grandmother in Hawaii.
Tim McGraw has written a book on what it’s like to be the father of three girls.
If you’re keeping score at home, John Mayer came back after Jennifer Aniston, agreeing to give up smoking and drinking to make it happen. He even wrote her a song. The rumor: John is going to become a father!
For the record, Will Smith turned down the role that Keanu Reeves accepted and ran with in “The Matrix.”
David Duchovny is denying that he had an affair with his 28-year-old Hungarian-born tennis instructor.
The Blue Man Group is hosting auditions for the ensemble in Los Angeles, November 11.
Faith Hill’s 41st birthday gift to herself was posing in a bikini on the cover of Shape magazine.

CONVERSATION STARTERS

Women’s Health asked women, “When separated from my gadgets, I feel…”

57 percent said disconnected but functional.
29 percent said so relieved. Hollow, real world.
14 percent said like I’m missing a limb. Need’em.

Cosmopolitan says 19% of guys have blown off a girl after seeing negative stuff about her online.

Men are 5.5 times more likely to suffer from hearing loss than women, say researchers from the John Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health. Men had higher rates of high frequency hearing loss, which is occurring increasingly at younger ages, possibly from portable music players cranked up too loud.

Playboy reports that 88% of American women say they would be more attracted to a man who has a not new fuel efficient car than a hot new sports car.

The number of active rotary oil rigs drilling for crude in the U.S.:

554 in 1988
128 in 1999
297 in 2007

More Americans die in road accidents on presidential Election Day. Researchers blame drivers rushing to polling places, taking unfamiliar routes and being distracted thinking about the candidates. On average the traffic death rate increases by 24 during voting hours on Election Day, compared with other Tuesday in October and November. The study, carried out at the University of Toronto, looked at figures since Jimmy Carter won in 1976. (Globe)

PHONE TOPICS

Absentee voter? Or do you prefer the polling booth?
For which food could YOU be a celebrity spokesperson?
What’s the rule on whether or not to bring a host gift to a party?
Is there a food that you’ve never, ever eaten before?
Ever been elected to anything? Did the campaign get dirty?
I can’t believe I survived being a kid because I once ________ed.
Ladies, who do you think is the sexiest film star? Guys, who’s the sexist female star?
Ever been in a parade?
What’s the most daring thing you’ve ever done?
What’s the name of your car or truck? What other inanimate objects do you name? (Notice we said inanimate.)
If you were willing to part with it, what do you own that you could sell for a lot of money on eBay?
Have you ever gotten ripped off on an on-line auction?
Is there a book that changed your life? (Or maybe the way you think?)
Does anyone still use a film camera?
Here’s a woman grabber. Fill in the blank: “Beware of the man who _____.” Ask the women to fill that blank, then duck!

Did you hear about the dead goldfish in Illinois that got voter registration material by mail? It’s true. And even though Princess Nudelman’ won’t cast a ballot, it’s causing a big controversy in the state. Phoner: Has your pet ever received mail addressed to them? Were you able to figure out how their name got on it?

Jennifer Aniston is rumored to have gotten back together with John Mayer because she’s pregnant with his baby. Do you believe the rumor? Did you get back together with someone because of a pregnancy? Was it a good idea, or do you regret your choice?

Who still has a tight relationship with friends from high school even though it’s been decades since then? Or, if you want to do a little work… offer to track down and connect them with a long lost friend.

“The” is the now most commonly used word overall, followed by “be,” “to,” “of,” and, “a,” “in,” “that,” “have,” and “I,” according to the “Concise Oxford English Dictionary.” What the silliest sounding word?

We got some funny calls when we asked for listeners’ greatest accomplishments in life. You’ll get a bunch of women citing their children unless you set it up in a way that makes it clear you’re doing it tongue in cheek. We were talking about great historical figures and the things they accomplished and then belittled our own contributions to history.

We talked about your birth order and how it might be able to determine your career. (From Careerbuilder.com):

Firstborn:

Personality: Firstborns are ambitious, assertive, dominant and disciplined compared with their younger siblings. They’re determined to succeed yet fearful of losing position and rank, and are defensive about errors and mistakes, Dattner says.
Compensation: A recent survey by CareerBuilder.com found that workers who were the firstborn child in their families were more likely to earn $100,000 or more annually compared with their siblings.
Professions: The oldest tend to pursue vocations that require higher education, like medicine, engineering or law. Ohio State University researchers found firstborn children were more likely to pursue “intellectual” jobs.

Middle:

Personality: Middle children are good at negotiation, peacemaking and compromise, Dattner says. They are easygoing and diplomatic and are usually closer to friends than family.
Compensation: More middle children identified themselves as earning $35,000 or less per year than firstborn or youngest children, according to the CareerBuilder.com survey.
Professions: Middles tend to have excellent negotiating and people skills — anything that employs these skills is a great fit.

Youngest:

Personality: Youngest children love the limelight and are used to sitting in it. They are charming and creative, have a good sense of humor and manipulate others when they want to get their way.
Compensation: Last borns were the least likely to report earning six figures, according to the CareerBuilder.com survey.
Professions: Youngest children often gravitate toward artistic and outdoor jobs, according to the OSU survey. They’re also successful in journalism, advertising, sales and athletics.

Only children:

Personality: Only children are similar to firstborns in that they are motivated to conform to parental expectations, Dattner says. They are also achievement-oriented and successful in school and have problems delegating work. Research shows they are more confident, articulate and imaginative than other children. They also hate criticism and tend to be perfectionists.

Twins

Personality: Because of their equal status in terms of their age — and, if they’re identical, their genes — twins are usually treated the same and turn out similarly. They tend to have different personalities and interests, but are closer to each other than other siblings and tend to have less conflict with each other than other siblings.

How can you tell if a man has a large unit? You’ve heard them all. Shoe size, big hands, distance between thumb and index finger (spread apart), but it seems that women just plain look! Our listeners say they can tell by just checking a man out. Us guys had no clue on this one, but it’s fun to hear.

According to a recent Austrailian study, women are less turned on by white-collar men, such as doctors, lawyers and accountants who are now seen as stuffy and stressful and required to work long hours. Apparently, the trend is going for rugged looks, physically fit, stress-free men who are available on weekends. Is this a trend in the U.S. too? Do women want men who aren’t work-a-holics and who have guaranteed weekend time?

We did a show on high school reunions. Lots of interesting stories about childhood sweethearts that are still married to the “good kid” who couldn’t make it because he’s in prison for mass murder. One topic that was discussed was all the reunion web sites that ask for personal information that is used by stalkers. The following day we were still taking calls from women (and a few men) that had been stalked. Scary stuff!

What is your favorite fall driving song? Talk about this and then tell the listeners you’re taking calls but you just want them to start singing their favorite fall driving song as soon as you say hi. No talk just immediate singing.

Should people have to cover up their large tattoos at the office? In England, a girl complained about the office dress code after being asked to cover up the 18 tattoos she has on her chest and arms. Who listening has the most tattoos? Have you ever been asked to cover up a tattoo?

From Men’s Health, “What’s the most important physical trait a woman can possess?”

Pretty face: 39%
Sweet smile: 18%
Nice butt: 16%
Flat stomach: 8%
Forever-long legs: 5%
Large breasts: 4%
Beautiful hair: 3%
Other: 6%

Why do your kids expect to be rich? Turns out most kids think they’ll soon earn six-figure incomes. From the “Teens and Money” survey Charles Schwab released earlier this year. This poll of 1,000 Americans aged 13 to 18 from a variety of socio-economic backgrounds found that 73% believed they would earn “plenty of money” when they were adults. In fact, the teenage boys expected to make an average $174,000 annually. Teenage girls expected to earn $114,200.

At what age do you not allow kids of the opposite sex in your kids’ bedroom? Our son is 6, the girl across the street is 5. She was over playing, and they ended up in his bedroom. They were just playing cars, but we got to talking about “playing doctor.” So, when is it no longer okay to have a child of the opposite sex in your kids’ bedroom?

Guys, do the women in your office dress too sexy? Can’t men control themselves, or is a woman asking for it when she dresses to provocatively?

A fun topic is having people tell about when they met someone “famous” but had no idea who they were? The story that drives my NASCAR friends crazy is the time I was at an event and everyone was getting their picture taken standing with some guy in a cowboy hat next to a race car. I didn’t and only found out later that it was Richard Petty, a big deal with race fans.

We asked for “How you met your mate” stories and advice on where to meet a mate. Let’s face it – everyone’s got a story to tell, and it really gets the women involved.

WEIRD NEWS

Woman Chooses Jail Over $7.45 Bill!”
In Fort Pierce, Florida, 66-year-old Maryanne O’Neill decided she’d rather go to jail rather than pay her bill at a Waffle House restaurant. According to a police report, she went to the restaurant and ordered coffee and a sandwich but then refused to pay the bill — which came to $7.45. So police were called and the officer gave her a choice — pay the bill or go to jail. She chose the latter and was booked on charges of obtaining food or lodging with intent to defraud, a second degree misdemeanor. If convicted she could face up to 60 days in jail and a fine of $500. (Scripps Treasure Coast Newspapers)

Kinky People Beware
So you like to get a little adventuresome in the bedroom. Nothing wrong with that. Just stay away from the chocolate-flavored body spreads being sold in adult stores all over Europe. They’ve been found to be tainted with melamine– the same chemical that made thousands of babies ill in China. The “I Love You” sets are made in China and contain chocolate and strawberry body pens and chocolate-flavored body spreads. At least four children died in China and thousands of others were treated in hospitals after consuming milk powder containing melamine. Peter Ben Embarek, a food safety expert at the World Health Organization (WHO), said national authorities needed to widen their checks and tests. (AHN News)

Come On Lady — Give Us Our Ball Back!
In Blue Ash, Ohio, 89-year-old Edna Jester has been arrested on petty theft charges because neighborhood children accused her of refusing to give back their football! Police said one child’s father complained that Jester kept the youngsters’ ball after it landed in her yard. Police Capt. James Schaffer said there has been an ongoing dispute in the neighborhood over kids’ balls landing in the woman’s yard. Jester is to appear in court next month. The maximum penalty for a petty theft conviction in Ohio is six months in jail and a fine of up to $1,000. Here’s a completely wild idea. Rather than call the police, why don’t one of you parents invite the poor woman to dinner one night. Then have the kids all pitch in one Saturday and help clean up her yard. You’ll probably win a new friend for life and all this nonsense will stop. (The Cincinnati Enquirer)

A Marriage Made in Hell
In Iowa City, Iowa, a judge has ordered 23-year-old Rucha (ROO-cha) Patel to stay away from her fiancé — just two weeks before their wedding! This after she drove over her fiancé’s foot and then bit his hand when he took her car keys away to prevent her from driving. It’s not sure why he was trying to prevent her from driving and his name has not been released. But she was charged with domestic abuse causing injury. And no word on whether the wedding is still on or not. We’re guessing not. (Iowa City Press-Citizen)

Any 85-year-old Ping Pong Players Out There?
85-year-old Dorothy Peterson is a certified Ping Pong champ from North Mankato, Minnesota. Only problem is — she can’t find anyone to play with. She recently returned from the Huntsman World Senior Games in Utah where she won the gold medal, but said the only other person in her age division is rather frail and might not compete next year. She was one of the oldest female participants of the 9,000-plus competitors. Ms. Peterson said if there’s no competition she’ll just continue using her home Robo-Pong machine, which tosses balls at her. Her forte is the backspin she puts on her backhand shots. (The Free Press)

Policeman Fired For Tasing For Fun!
In Eutis, Florida, 22-year-old police officer Dan Nesmith has been fired after he tasered a teenager for fun during a birthday party he hosted last month. Of course the whole thing was caught on video. He tasered the back of 15-year-old Taylor Davis — again — for fun! When the video surfaced — which they always do — Nesmith wsa first suspended and then ultimately fired. No charges were filed against him as firing a taser is in itself not illegal– though it is against the department’s policy. But prosecutors are contemplating other charges that Nesmith served alcohol to underage guests during the party he hosted. In the meantime, young Taylor — the boy who was tasered — said the police department is overreacting and admitted he asked Nesmith to taser him! (AHN News)

Porn Perusing Pastor!
In Sweden, Father Gunnar Svensson has resigned after he picked up a computer virus from surfing hardcore porn web sites, and crippled his church’s entire computer network! His evil deeds were exposed after technicians were called to try to fix the breakdown. A church spokesperson said, “They found thousands of visits to very unpleasant websites.” Church authorities have not yet decided whether the minister should be formally defrocked. (Ananova)

MATCH THE MOUTH

“I go to church to worship, I don’t go to church to talk about it. I get scripts, resumes, books – people tried to come up to me with a children’s book before and I wouldn’t take it. They got upset with me. This is church.”

Alex Trebek
Mark Wahlberg ***
Carrie Underwood
Ellen
Hugh Hefner

“I believe in reincarnation. I believe I’ve gone both ways — that I have been here before as a man. I will get flak from Christians who will say I can’t be a Christian if I believe this. I’m sorry, but this is how I live my life, this is what I believe.”

Kelli Pickler
Carrie Underwood
Madonna
Reba McEntire ***
Gwyneth Paltrow

“I mean at the end of the day of course the smallest violin wouldn’t or shouldn’t play for me because I had a lot of fun and a lot of good times… I hate to go on about it but … I was just lucky enough with support from various people find a way out. I’m very grateful.”

Hugh Grant
Britney Spears
Colin Farrell ***
Lindsay Lohan
George W. Bush

PIGSKIN PUNTING

Listeners compete to see who can punt a canned ham the furthest. Take the ham out of the can first, though! Winner gets tickets to an NFL game.

THE WEIGH-IN

Get a hold of all of those wacky diets you find in the tabloids. You know the ones: Vinegar and beer, honey and tea-leaf, etc., etc. Have a weigh-in on your show. Then, have each contestant go on a different wacky diet for five days. A week or two later, you’ll have them do another weigh-in to see which diet worked the best. Give them all station merchandise and cash for joining in your experiment. You might also give them dinner out, a big dinner out!

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU HAVE A VERY SCARY HALLOWEEN COSTUME

The Wolfman ruined your new rug
After seeing it, Frankenstein needed counseling
Jason covered his hockey mask
You made Freddy Kruger have nightmares
Dracula ran away screaming

HUNTER’S HUMOR by Tim Hunter

Less than two weeks to go to the election. It’s kinda like Christmas, except the two people on your list keep telling you why you shouldn’t but the other one gifts.

Gwyneth Paltrow says she’s helping Madonna through her divorce. Must mean she’s setting up the dates with A-Rod.

Now we hear that President Bush tried to crash last weekend’s Saturday Night Live appearance by Sarah Palin. Only problem was, he showed up Sunday night.

GREATEST THINGS EVER SAID ABOUT MARRIAGE

“Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.” –Mike Myers, as Wayne Campbell in “Wayne’s World.”
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” –Theologian Joseph Barth
“The problem with marriage is that it ends every night after making love, and it must be rebuilt every morning before breakfast.” –Gabriel Garcia Marquez
“Rituals are important. Nowadays it’s hip not to be married. I’m not interested being hip.” –John Lennon, in 1980
“I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up.” –Barbara Bush
“We have had long, really difficult times, but we have enough lust and respect. We’re lustily respectful, respectfully lustfull” –Paul Newman on his 45-year marriage to Joanne Woodward
Well, she does my laundry and she does a good job, so she must love me. I’m a beast, aren’t I? No, I’m kidding. What does she do to make me feel loved? Everything she does. Every now and then she looks at me and I think, Wow, she loves me.” –Matthew Broderick on wife Sarah Jessica Parker
“There’s something about marriage that I don’t like. The idea that Kurt gets to be my boyfriend is a sexy choice. It’s incredibly fascinating.” –Goldie Hawn, on her 20-year relationship with Kurt Russell.
“Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.” –Shelley Winters
“There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye-to-eye keep house as husband and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.” — Homer, The Odyssey
“I shake my head at these people who get married for a few years, then say their careers are pulling them apart. Hey, you get married for life. You make it work.” –Sharon Osbourne
“What do you expect me to do? Sleep alone?” –Elizabeth Taylor, who has married eight times.

CELEBRITY INCARCERATION DRAFT

If celebrities are good at one thing, it’s getting arrested. Since Michael Jackson, Mel Gibson, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and Britney are still roaming the streets, we decided it’s time to start betting on who’s going to get picked-up next. The game’s simple. Each person on the show puts down $5 and a list of 5 celebrities they think are overdue for a run-in with the law. The list is posted, and the first person to have one of their players escorted downtown, well, that person walks away with a whole pot of cash.

WHEEL OF PROFESSIONS

Spin it and have all the different careers on the wheel. Bartender, lawyer, plumber, doctor, etc. When it stops the first person who calls that tells you a joke that makes you laugh dealing with that perfusion wins.

YOUR BODY’S CALLING

Check out all these changes our bodies go through:

Eyes — We blink 5,000,000 times a year, and spend 23 minutes of every waking day doing it. We also produce a half gallon of tears, enough to fill a kettle, and spend an average three and a half hours a day watching TV — the equivalent of 53 days a year.
Nose — Your nose hair grows an inch a year, adding up to six feet over the course of your life. Laid end to end, the hairs could wrap six times around your head.
Breasts — A breast-feeding mother produces 43 gallons of milk a year, enough to fill 237 wine bottles.
Lungs — An adult breathes two gallons of air a minute, more than 1,000,000 gallons a year, enough to inflate two hot air balloons. After 50, lung capacity decreases as air sacks become less elastic.
Stomach — The stomach produces about a quarter of a gallon of gastric juice a day to help digest food. We eat 2,000 calories a day on average, and our metabolism peaks during adolescence, falling after that. Most people put on five pounds every decade after 20. But most of the food we eat is used up on energy. If you spend all day sleeping you still use up 1,320 calories, and 4,800 if you spend all day and night walking. Food is digested within 24 hours.
Hands — When you touch something, impulses travel through the nerve network to the brain at a rate of 350 feet per second. Our fingernails grow three and a half centimeters a year.
Blood — We produce 200 billion new red blood cells a day. We also have a trillion white cells, which together weigh 2 pounds. They fight infection and are constantly being renewed — 10 million each time.
Skin — We shed 240 grams of skin each year, the equivalent of three layers. Babies renew their skin every seven days but a retiree takes six weeks. Young skin holds 14 pints of water, but we lose three and a half pints of it through our skin very day. The average person sweats the equivalent of 606 cans of cola a year, and if you exercise you lose a teaspoon of salt each session.
Hair — Each day we shed 200 hairs, adding up to 73,000 a year — enough to make Dolly Parton a new wig. We have more than 100,000 hairs. They grow five inches a year and most last two years before falling out. Grey hair starts developing around age 34, and by the time most of us are 50, half our hair is gray.
Brain — We store a million items in the brain, everything from phone numbers to memories and feelings. The average person has more than 100 billion brain cells at age 35, but from then on we lose them at a rate of 7,000 a day or 2,555,000 a year.
Mouth — The mouth is the first feature to form in a unborn baby, so we learn taste and texture before we have even swallowed food. As adults we spend the equivalent of 10 days a year eating, and 55 days talking. We eat an average 100 eggs, 150 loaves of bread and 27 pounds of chocolate a year.
Liver — Your liver helps process food and drink, and over the course of a year it produces 96 gallons of bile to help break down fat. That’s enough to paint half a street of row houses.
Kidneys — The kidneys help filter 50 gallons of fluid a day from which they produce a gallon and a half of urine, or 125 gallons a year. We spend two full days a year on the toilet.
Heart — Your heart pumps 1,700 gallons of blood around your body a day, beating 80 times a minute. In a year it pumps enough blood to fill several large swimming pools.
Sex organs — In male adolescence the testes produce 1,000 sperm per second. A girl is born with about 1 million eggs in her ovaries. The average couple have sex 130 times a year, and have five different partners in their life. The typical couple has two children and four grandchildren.
Bones — In children, half the skeleton is replaced, cell by cell, every year. In two years they have a whole new set of bones. The process of renewal continues in adulthood, but takes five times as long. After 35, bone density is reduced around 0.2 percent a year. Most of us start shrinking after the age 45.
Feet — The average person takes 9,000 steps a day — 3,285,000 a year — or 1,456 miles. In a life time that means we walk 115,000 miles — more than four times around the world. So, it’s no wonder feet sweat. The 250,000 glands in a pair of feet excrete half a pint of moisture every day.

START SPREADING THE NEWS

You know those stupid TV shows in the morning. Find a listener heading to New York and offer them 1000 bucks if they can get on the early morning show at ABC, CBS or NBC (you know national TV) holding up a sign with the name of your show and station on it.

HEADLINE TRUTH OR TRASH

“20-Foot Yacht Accidentally Sells For $40 Bucks Online!”
Truth! Jakob Kauder has been forced to hand over his luxury 20-foot yacht for $40 bucks after mistakenly selling it on an internet auction website! Jakob was hoping for more like $20,000 but forgot to set a minimum price. The only bid was for $40 from a bidder in Cologne, Germany. Jakob tried to cancel the sale but the court ruled that the auction was legal he had to complete the sale.

“Guy Ritchie Says Madonna Talks to the Mother Ship Every Night!”
Trash! It’s every other night.

“Kidney For Sale on Craigslist!”
Truth! Sure, it’s unquestionably illegal but a man who is down on his luck listed one of his kidneys for sale on Craigslist for $75,000 bucks! The kidney was listed as being from someone self-described as 35-years-old, healthy, broke and about to be homeless. Craigslist folks thought the ad was a prank and took it down.

“Senator John Kerry Rushed to E.R.!”
Trash! Doctors were able to remove the foot from his mouth at the site of his latest speech.

“Husband Begs Wife To Just Shoot Him!”
Truth! In Centennial, Colorado, police say a 34-year-old drunk man got into an argument with his wife, then pulled a gun on her. She got the gun away from him and he then begged her to just shoot him and “finish it!” So she did — right in the knee. Police say she won’t be charged because they see the shooting as self defense and after all, he begged her to do it!

“Sarah Palin Once Wrested a Polar Bear in Her Living Room!”
Trash! It was in the den.

“Bank Robber Is Dead Ringer For Angelina Jolie!”
It wasn’t hard for police in Genoa, Italy to track down and capture an armed bank robber. All witnesses agreed the 29-year-old woman was a dead ringer for actress Angelina Jolie. They were right and police quickly arrested 29-year-old Annarita Ottonello. Police said the resemblance was so uncanny that some witnesses actually thought it was the actress herself and that the robbery was part of a new Hollywood film.

“Miley Cyrus’ Real First Name is Smiley!”
Trash! It’s really Wiley E. Coyote Cyrus. You can understand why she changed it.

“Man To Blow Up Building Because He Wasn’t Chosen For The Price is Right!”
Truth! Police in San Francisco had to evacuate part of a Financial District high-rise after a man walked into a law office wearing a blinking device that he described as a bomb. Officers evacuated the 28th, 29th and 30th floors and arrested the man. His name has not been released but police say the suspect was apparently angry because he had been turned down to appear on the TV game show, “The Price is Right.”

TOP 10 DIVORCE MYTHS

Nearly half of all American marriages end in divorce, yet many of us have the wrong information on splits. Here are the 10 worst myths about divorce:

The majority of men cheat on their wives — Truth: “The best-designed study says nearly 80 percent of men haven’t cheated on their wives,” says Dr. Orli Peter, Ph.D., a psychologist and divorce mediator.
Men dump their wives — Truth: Women initiate the majority of divorces.
Women pay a horrible economic penalty for divorce — Truth: Five years after the split, the average divorcee’s new household income often surpasses her original household’s.
Women regret divorce — Truth: Divorced women are happier as they take control of their lives.
Divorce hurts women more than men — Truth: Psychological tests show ex-wives surpass ex-husbands in emotional health.
Divorced men marry more easily than divorced men — Truth: Their stats are similar – 75 percent for women and 80 percent for men.
Children usually recover pretty quickly from the trauma — Truth: Splits trigger long-term personal problems.
Children of divorce are less likely to divorce — Truth: They’re much less likely to respect the bonds of matrimony.
Kids do better with stepfamilies than with single parents — Truth: Single parents do just as well.
Second marriages tend to be more successful — Truth: The divorce rate for second marriages is higher than for first marriages.

GORSEFEATHERS by Patrick Gorse

Paris Hilton is visiting England and claims she loves the English people. Paris said they’re accents “rock” and that London is her “favorite city in the world.” Wait a minute… that should read “Paris ‘ilton’ says England is her ‘favorite’ city in the world.”

While visiting England, Paris Hilton said London was her favorite city in the world. The vice cops don’t carry guns and she’s finally driving on the right side of the road.

British actress Billie Piper of “Doctor Who” has given birth to a baby boy. I guess you’d call him a Piper Cub.

Faith Hill is posing in a bikini on the cover of Shape magazine. I just saw it. Take it from me, you gotta have Faith.

Faith Hill posed on the cover of Shape magazine in a bikini and she looks fine. Faith called the bikini shot her “birthday present” to herself. My copy is getting worn out. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

A passenger discovered a wax depiction of Paul McCartney’s head on a London train last week. The passenger called police and asked if he should bring it to the station, but they told him to Let it Be.

Critics are praising Oliver Stone’s humiliating portrayal of George Bush in the film “W” and the movie is getting a virtual free pass from the right. Republicans don’t want to be caught dead or alive defending the president. Even McCain/Palin gave it two thumbs up.

Newt Gingrich criticized the tactics of the McCain campaign and said they should run against the “Re-Po team,” Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi. Newt’s strategy doesn’t work for John McCain. He’s out to support business, and Repo men are the only people making any money in this economy.

National law enforcement groups say crime is going up because abandoned, foreclosed homes are being used as crackhouses. What a country! We can’t afford to pay our mortgages, but we can still afford to buy crack.

The price of oil is way down but stores say they’re leaving prices up for awhile because they don’t want to pay employees to lower them, only to have oil skyrocket again. So here’s how we’re screwed. We have to pay higher prices because of the rising cost of lowering prices.

Joe Biden says that within the first six months of an Obama administration the world “will test” the new president. In fact, Obama has changed his slogan to, “Yes We Can All Fit Under the Kitchen Table.”

General Colin Powell has endorsed Barack Obama, saying Obama possesses intellectual vigor, a proper temperament and leadership qualities. Of course, he also said Saddam possessed WMD’s.

GUESS & DRESS

For Halloween, here are ten costumes to “Guess & Dress”:

Gather six friends and along with yourself, have everyone wear a simple outfit. Attach a capital “C” to each. (Answer: The Seven Seas. This can also be a solo costume if one person adorns herself in multiple letters)
Dress as if you’re heading to a funeral and safety pin some plastic vomit to your slacks or skirt. (Answer: Morning (or mourning) sickness)
Adhere the image of your favorite model onto the back of your shirt. (Answer: Yep, you’re “bringing sexy back.” Or if you like a more literal translation, use colored tape to write the word “sexy” onto your back)
Cut two eye holes out of an old sheet to wear and carry a box wrapped in holiday paper. (Answer: The Ghost of Christmas Present)
Wear your simple black dress and pair it up with a plastic mob hat and a plastic Tommy gun. Variation: Tuck some fake money in your pockets and stockings. (Answer: Bam! You’re Bonnie from Bonnie and Clyde)
Buy a huge yo-yo or grab a small basketball and add the letters “I” and “T” to the surface. Walk around tossing the object to the floor and catching it again. (Answer: You’re dropping “it” like it’s hot — if you don’t know what that means, ask your children)
Dress in khaki pants, a polo shirt and fisherman’s vest with various remote controls tucked in your pockets. Carry a small paddle-sized sign with the image of a screen and knobs on it. (Answer: TV Guide)
Dress in all black and run yellow electric tape down your clothes. (Answer: You are a street, or a boulevard, if you insist. Attach toy cars on your street and stage collisions for fun)
Cut a hole in the laundry basket, attach to shoulders with rope. (Answer: Dirty Laundry)
Two people dress in gray sweat suits and carry a red light bulb. Periodically bend toward each other and hold the light below. (Answer: The Arch)

TWISTER FOR TREATS

People play Twister for cash and prizes. X number of people qualify during the week then, during the weekend, the finals are held Can be turned into a Halloween promotion called “Twister Treat.”

GREAT PUMPKIN GUESSING CONTEST

Have a pumpkin weight-guessing contest. Find a largest pumpkin and display it on location or online and let listeners guess its weight. Give whomever comes closest to guessing the exact weight a pumpkin of prizes — another pumpkin that’s been carved out and filled with cash and prizes.

PRESERVE YOUR PUMPKIN

Try one of these tips from Cheryl Stoughton of Pumpkin Masters to keep your pumpkin fresh for up to seven days indoors and out:

Spray the carved area with water, cover the entire pumpkin in plastic wrap, and store it in your fridge or basement throughout the day or when not on display.
Give your pumpkin a bath. Submerge it in a filled sink for up to eight hours. “Check on it periodically to make sure it isn’t getting too soft,” says Stoughton. “If you leave it in too long, it can split.”
Keep the carved edges fresh by sealing in moisture with a think layer of petroleum jelly.

YOUR PET TALKS TO YOU

(Sun) Although you may not know it, you and your beloved pet share many of the same abilities, like smiling when you feel good and dreaming when you sleep. Warren Eckstein, author of “How to Get Your Dog to Do What You Want,” and other experts have discovered these and more amazing facts about your dog or cat that will lead to great happiness for both of you. Here are a few secrets your pet would love to share with you if only he could talk:

Happy faces — When dogs and cats are in a good mood, they use the same facial muscles we do to crack a smile. Golden retrievers and Dobermans are well known for beaming when they’re happy.
Don’t forget — Just watch your puppy or kitty balk because he or she fears a ride in the car will end at the vet’s office and you’ll realize that animals remember loads of information by association.
I’m so lonesome — Your pet doesn’t camp out on your bed or nestle in the dirty clothes hamper to make you angry. They miss you so much that they need the comfort of your scent when left home alone.
Dream on — When your pet sleeps, he or she often has dreams that trigger jerky foot movements or a wiggly nose. But should a nightmare disturb Spot’s slumber, you can clam him with a gentle touch.
Brain Power — Parrots are especially bright and have the capacity to catalog as much information as a 5 year old child. Keep your feathered pal happy with an array of colorful toys and loving attention.
Now ear this — Dogs and cats experience sounds twice as loudly as humans do. That’s why they often on completely bonkers during a thunderstorm or when a screaming siren goes by the house.

TOP FIVE CANDIES YOU WON’T BE STEALING FROM YOUR KIDS’ HALLOWEEN SACK

“Reeses Peanut Butter Cow Pies”
“Bad ‘n Plenty”
“Sweet Farts”
“Goats Milk Duds”
“Bit ‘O Broccoli”

10.22.08

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